1.) When thou beat with
timbers upon goatskins stretched across wooden barrels, strike not
directly upon the two and the four. Place thy blows ahead or behind
the beat, for when thou striketh directly upon it, thou wilt be judged
unclean, yea unto the seventh generation of thy seed.
2.) Place not the bony,
callused middle knuckle of thy thumb against the E and the A string of
electric instruments which produce low frequencies. Set thy work
instead upon the first and second digits of thine hand, for the
clatter that is caused by thumb flesh against nickel and steel is
unclean, and to participate in it is to be judged so, yea unto the
seventh generation of thy seed.
3.) Ye who breathe into bent
metal across a rasping shoot of reed cane, bite it not often, lest its
pitch leap an octave to a piercing shriek. Such blasts are permitted
two, perhaps three times during an evening’s performance. To author
more than this number is unclean.
4.) Trigger not brief
recordings of acoustic instruments from a controlling keyboard, yea
especially such timbres as are not naturally played with fingers
activating weighted hammers, as in the case of strings, brass,
woodwinds and guitar. Apply thyself instead to piano, electric piano,
organ and clavinet, for to layer string and brass sounds in a public
house is unclean, and ye who do so are as the beasts of the field.
5.) In the vibration of thin
metal cords across magnets, send not the signal into strange devices
before amplification, for such devices are unclean, and in doing so
the tone of the instrument and the heart of its operator are
vanquished. Ye who create such signal flow work against nature, and
all that ye do shall be held damnable in the eyes of the maker,and his
wrath shall be loosed, yea unto the seventh generation.
6.) Men pursing lips into
conches must master an even timbre, tone, intonation and volume
throughout the pitch range of the mollusk shell, staying not always in
the high octave, nor the low, nor the middle, for to remain always in
the upper ranges is unclean, and to remain always in the low and
middle is sloth, and as such is also unclean.
7.) Dried gourds containing
seeds and pebbles, wooden hoops with rows of tiny cymbals attached and
other handheld percussive devices must not be touched in a public
house by untrained persons for it is unclean. Yea though they look
simple, they are not so, and their misuse is common. Like any
instrument, a lifetime of personal application is required for mastery
over pitched wood and metal, and to take part in such spontaneous
orchestrations and especially to encourage other unskilled
practitioners to do the same is unclean and will be punished by
eternal damnation, yea unto the seventh generation of thy seed.
8.) Ye who stands in the
center and emits pitched words, know that thou art not a God. Thou art
lucky to have been chosen as one whose vocal folds are of such makeup
and consistency as to be pleasant to a listener. Be not unpleasant to
your listeners in other ways, lest ye be judged unclean.
9.) Make not the face of the
constipated man, no matter whether ye blow the conch, rasp the reed,
emit pitched words, strike skins with timbers, drive small mallets
with fingers, or cause steel cable to vibrate into magnets. These
activities are not painful, they are joyful, and to assume such
countenance is unclean and damnable for seven generations.
10.) Treat thine audience as
thou wouldst thine own self be treated, lest ye be judged unclean, yea
unto the seventh generation of thy seed.